Now sometimes when that statement is uttered, I get a look of question. What does it mean in this day? To me it means that I have willingly accepted the love of God. The Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost. I know where to turn to when I need assistance, whether good or bad, and I know He's always there for me.
The last six days had been really tough for me. I suffer from depression/anxiety and I was out of medication. I was unable to refill my prescription and I went through the withdrawals that anyone would have from a drug they were taking for 9 months. I was unaware until today that my brother was/is going through the same thing.
Saturday and Sunday were my worst days. Until I downed the first pill yesterday afternoon, I was at a point that equalled my lowest low. I hadn't been that low since my grandmother passed away and yesterday I was begging God for his and her comfort. I cried, bawling my eyes out for the comforting hand of my grandmother and prayed she would talk to God directly for me. Now I know, I have the ability to talk to Him myself, but I thought a conversation with her, a God-fearing woman who served him for 78 years had a little more pull than my 28 years of on again/off again worship.
When I say that it was on again/off again, I don't mean I turned my back on my faith and denounced the church. I'm not made to be perfect and I've done somethings in my life I know God has looked at my family that's with him and said "Really, this is the youngest female decedent you've left me with. Couldn't you have given me someone along the lines of Mother Madonna than Madonna the singer?" But God loves me even though I haven't walked the straightest line he drew for me. Let's face it, I can't walk a straight line at my best and I've got the bruises to prove it.
When I first got saved, I didn't know the true meanin behind it. I've been re-saved since then because I felt reaffirming my love and passion for Christ and my faith was needed. When I was 13 my church had a lock in. At this lock in as they had at every lock in they showed a Revelations film about armageddon. I feel now that this movie was a propaganda-ish film set to scare teens into being Saved for the wrong reasons. Five of us came forward to be saved that night and I know none of us knew what we signed up for. So through my late teen years and my early twenties I continued praying to God for guidance and not really listening to everything he had to say. He was a third parent telling me what was best for me. Granted he knows what's best for me, he still let me fail, stumble and fall because he knew it was better I learn on my own.
It wasn't until I met my stepdad's brother and his wife that I truly understood what being a Christian was about. I grew up Southern Baptist, and in my experiences, that's about as judging and hypocritical a person could get in my community. When I met my now aunt and uncle I saw Christians weren't all high-strung, boring people who couldn't laugh at themselves. I finally saw what true Christians were. And that's when I knew my grandmother had been my first glimpse at that, but she just called herself a follower of Christ.
When I do something now, not only questioning how will God look upon this, I kinda question how my aunt and uncle would see it too. They may not be the judge I meet when I reach the gates, but they could be really great character witnesses on my part.
But back to the real reason I started this post. I realized last night that I had reached my rock bottom emotionally. I was feeling every bad feeling I had been able to mask with Cymbalta. Now I know I need to deal with issues and not let them fester into a giant disease that could end me, but I also know chemically imbalanced people can't always right the sinking ship themselves. And that's where I was at. Months ago my loving aunt (they are all loving but this one I've been speaking of is just amazing) recommended a book to me. It is Crazy Love by Francis Chan. I've been reading it off and on because I do nit want to push it. I don't want to make myself read about God, His son and the miracle of their love because in the past if I'm made to do something I rebel. And I don't want to rebel from God.
At my lowest of lows I wanted to read and calm myself. I had just started a Vonnegut novel but it wasn't entertaining me. So I scrolled through my Kindle and begged for something to jump out at me. I saw the book and thought I really haven't taken the time to read this one in a while and if Fiction isn't helping, maybe this will.
Tonight I picked up my Kindle and started reading it again. Today my brain isn't hurting, my body isn't in a state of withdrawal and I realized how much God helped me yesterday. He listened to me cry, let me do what every other self-hating person does, but when I was ready to actually suck it up and listen, he didn't talk, he showed me with the words another Christian had written about him.
I'm in no way a person who pushes my religion and beliefs on someone, but to me the signs of His greatness are there. Think what you want. Have your relationship with God the way you want to do so. If you don't believe the words of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, et cetera, and so on, then that's your call also. But I am here, a follower of the word of Christ, the son of God showing you how he helped me in my moment of complete and utter weakness, not to mention all the times he's helped me when I've been so strong I've scared myself.
If you have gone to a church that made you feel like the other church goers in the pews beside you were judging, then I say don't turn your back on God because of those who chose to cast stones. Search out a church that makes you feel like despite your greatest weakness, you are equal to every person beneath the roof until you are before St Peter's gates to receive God's final judgement.
One of my weaknesses I'd actually getting to the church that makes me feel that way. Kinetic Church is such a wonderful place to be on a Sunday morning.
My challenge to you is if you feel like you should be in church but hadn't found the right one or you don't feel at home where you are. Find the church that is a true fit for you. There is one, but it's all about the patience of finding it. Ask around, try them out until you find it.
Faith, Hope & Love
SP
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone
0 comments:
Post a Comment